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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

 
 
 
 

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In Gay Paris

An Israeli in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life.

Reporters swarmed the fellow. "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris.

"Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and tomorrow's headline will read: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."

Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headlines will shout: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either.

Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?

The guy says, "I'm from Israel.

Reporters: "OK. Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world: 'Israeli Kills Girl's Dog!'"

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MIRACLES

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

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At the Cemetery

A woman, having walked all around the cemetery, complains to the caretaker, "I have looked all around, and can not find my husband's grave."

"Oh? What name were you looking for?"

"Itzic Finkelstein."

"Hmmmm," says the caretaker, "must be a mistake somewhere... ....The only Finkelstein we have is a Rashela Finkelstein..."

"That is no mistake!" says Rashela. "Itzic has always put everything in my name!"

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Da Matimaatishim

Congratulations were showered on Kaplan. His number 49 had won the top prize in the lottery.

"Say Kaplan," asked Goldstein, "how did you happen to pick number 49?"

"I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it."

"But six times seven is 42 not 49."

"Hah? Kaplan says . . ." All right professer, I von da lottery...so you be the mathematician!"

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Jewish Haiku

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.

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Buoys and gulls:

He owned a fish farm until he poured out his sole.

Fish are smart because they spawn good ideas while in schools.

Some people go deep sea fishing for sailfish motives.

Then there's the fish quartet - first tuna, second tuna, barracuda and bass (they're good at singing scales).

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While He is Watching There...

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Jewish school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A small boy wrote a note,

"Take all the cookies you want, God is watching the apples!"

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Direct Print Keyboard

Morris, a bright nine year old came running to his Dad, 'Daddy....I've just seen this new computer that goes straight from the keyboard to hard copy without a hard drive!', little Morris said breathlessly.

...The nine year old had just seen his first typewriter!

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Yachta, Yachta, Yachta

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there 104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210' yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."

His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.

"What's the matter?" Goodman asked. "I was just wondering," Morris said. "why don't any customers have yachts?"

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CLASSIC BUMPER STICKERS:

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

Life's too short to dance with ugly men.

Life's too short to dance with ugly women.

My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).

I is a college student.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Eschew obfuscation.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

There's one in every crowd and they always find me.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.

Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.

The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.

I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.

No radio. Already stolen.

Exxon Suxx.

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)

~~~~~~~

from the June 2004 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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