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Observant Jews, Non-Observant Jews

Coming out of the synagogue, Mrs. Goldman asked her husband Morris, "Do you think that Siegel girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Morris.

"And that dress Yetta Blum was wearing," continued Mrs. Goldman, "Really, don't tell me you think that's proper attire for a mother of two!"

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Morris.

"You did see Marilyn Kohn drink 7 glasses of wine after the service."

"I wasn't watching Marilyn", Morris said sheepishly.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs.Goldman. "A lot of good it does you to go to the synagogue."

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In the Synagogue

A man started to snore in his seat a synagogue. "Please stop your snoring," the shammas pleaded. "You are disturbing the others in the synagogue."

"Look, nudnick," the man said angrily, "I paid my annual dues and I'll do whatever I want."

"Yes, sir," replied the shammas. "But you are keeping everybody else awake."

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So Ashamed

"Morris I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.

"My father Moshe pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister Marilyn buys our clothes. My aunt Becky bought us a car.... I'm just so ashamed."

Morris, the husband, rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Yosie and Aaron, those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent!"

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Something Fshy

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh. (if you don't get it, say the first line out loud)

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I Understand

A man visits his doctor and says, "doctor, I keep seeing green Martians before my eyes."

The doctor asks "have you seen a psychiatrist?"

The patient says, "No, only green Martians!"

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I Understand, part II

One Saturday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for temple, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to temple. One, you're 54 years old, And two, you're the Rabbi."

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Jewish Customs

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Sabbath, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.

"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down......"

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

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in Florida, This Happens

In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone who was Jewish in the community came every Shabbat.

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.

Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbat goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.

Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbat he, too, hired a Shabbat goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.

Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation!

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I Understand, part III

Members of the Orthodox women's Shul Sisterhood were concerned because a widowed Shul member and her three small daughters were staying away from services.

Finding that the reason was a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner; they held a bake sale and used the money to buy new clothes for all the children and the mother.

When the little girls still failed to appear at Shabbat services, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence. The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained.....

"The girls looked so nice, we all decided to go to the Conservative Synogogue down the street."

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Spell Bound

Esther goes to her doctor because she hasn't been "regular" for some time. The doctor examines her, finds nothing unusual and attributes her problem to her diet. He recommends she take a laxative.

"Don't forget I keep kosher," she says, "whatever you prescribe must be kosher."

"I want you to take Serutan," says the doctor, "and don't worry, it's kosher."

"You're sure, doctor?" says Esther, "you're absolutely positive it's kosher? If it's not kosher I can't take it and I'd be very mad if I were to find out it wasn't kosher."

"Of course it's kosher. Serutan spelled backwards is NATURES and what could be more kosher than nature?" replies the doctor.

Two weeks later, Esther comes storming back. "Doctor," she shouts, "I'm so angry with you that I'm going to sue you."

"What's wrong?" the doctor asks, very concerned.

"That medicine you told me to take - it's not kosher," replies Esther.

"Of course it's kosher," replies the doctor. "It's called Serutan, and as I told you, serutan spelled backwards is natures."

"Well doctor," Esther says, "Serutan spelled backwards may be natures, but taking Serutan gave me such gas! And FART spelled backwards is TRAF."

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I Don't Understand, part IV

What do you call a person who reads all of the Jewish Magazine Jokes and does not even send in one of his own?

A fish. (if you don't get it, send in a joke and avoid smelling bad!)

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the September-October 2004 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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