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Election Special...

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light bulb?

The Answer is TEN:

1. One to deny that a lightbulbs needs to be changed.

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the lightbulbs needs to be changed.

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the lightbulb.

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the lightbulbs or in favor of darkness.

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new lightbulb.

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner "Lightbulb Change Accomplished".

7. One administration insider to resign, and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark".

8. One to viciously smear #7....and his wife.

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along...3 way bulbs !

10. And finally.... One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.

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Quick Thinking

Morris gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

Morris starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so Morris is sitting there, looking at the huge guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the Morris. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all over the big man's chest.

About five minutes later the big gorilla wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says Morris, . . . "are you feeling better now?"

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And God Created Women...

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful, so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!"

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Where is God?

In a certain Orthodox neighbourhood, there were two brothers, Yaakov, 8 and Yisroel 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighbourhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.

Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the rabbi to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure!"

The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the rabbi while the father kept Yisroel at home.

The rabbi sat the Yaakov down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at Yaakov and asked, "Where is God?" Yaakov said nothing. Again, in a louder tone, the rabbi pointed at Yaakov and asked, "Where is God?" Again Yaakov said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost in Yaakov's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" Yaakov panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble." Yiosroel asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?" Yaakov replied, "God is missing... and they think we did it."

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New Jewish Magazine Work Policy

Our Corporate Operations Committee has defined a lower cost alternative to the previously planned switch to LINUX systems. All computers will be removed from every desktop. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound and viable reasons for this decision:

1. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

2. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

3. Reduction in technical support calls will reduce our costs associated with maintaining our I.S. help desk.

4. Reduction in hardware costs.

5. Elimination of all software license fees.

6. Reduction in the amount of training necessary for new hires.

7. Can be used at the desktop as well as away from the office due its extreme portability.

8. Extremely low cost makes them disposable (when one breaks, we will simply replace it).

9. We can now hire 1st graders to do your job.

10. We will maintain a virus free environment...No more Norton. In anticipation of the questions some of you will undoubtedly have regarding this corporate decision, we have prepared a list of the most Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't shake it.

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Jewish Holidays for Gentile Helpers

A house help who was about to start to work as a maid in a Jewish household asked a friend of hers who had such experience to give her a run-down of Jewish holidays.

Her friend told her:

There's Shabbos, where one smokes in the bathroom.
There's Tish'a be'Av, where one eats in the bathroom.
And there's Yom Kippur, where one smokes and eats in the bathroom.

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Some Real Good Questions:

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

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The Snob's Guessing Game

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce."

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she passes gas, then says, "Broccoli......49 cents a pound."

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Pun For the Money

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard. Thus, the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny decided he wanted to shave. He asked the elders for their advice. They were shocked. They reminded him of the ancient warning that the leader who shaved would be turned into earthenware.

Benny scoffed at that, and cut his beard. As the final whisker was cut, a huge dust storm came up. When it cleared, there stood a man-sized clay vessel. The elders knew the legend must be true.

Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

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A PROBLEM AND A SOLUTION

Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant' debt if he could marry the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant's garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

Now for the real answer:

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the November 2004 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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