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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

On Board El Al

As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:

"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off."

"To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay in Israel, ...and to those of you standing in the aisles and pushing towards the doors, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah, and welcome back home."

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Politically Correct Holiday Greeting

Holiday Greetings to Some and All

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/ secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...

A N D

A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere,) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

...so, therefore, to some and all have a Happy and Healthy Holiday Season from the wisher, aka the workers of the Jmag.

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Chanukah Stamps

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" replied the woman.

"Well, give me 50 Conservative, 2 Orthodox, and 37 Reform ones."

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Endless Tale

Yankel and Fritz went out drinking one night and didn't get home till the wee hours.

They see each other the next day at work and Frintz asks, "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"

Yankel replies, "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."

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A Lesson in Economics......

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create Clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, Eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

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Einstien's Idea

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his university educated grandson to explain it to him.

"Well, grandpa , it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."

The old man considers this profound bit of mathematical thinking for a moment and says, .... ...."And from this Einstein made a living?"

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Chocolate Rules

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?

A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

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KOSHER UNDERWEAR

"And you shall make for Aaron your brother and for his sons linen undergarments to cover their nakedness; they shall reach from the waist to the thighs."
Exodus 28:42

There you have it, straight from the bible. The only Kosher underwear are: BOXER SHORTS!

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Enrich Your Vocabulary

Ignor-anus: A person who's both stupid and an a__hole.

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The Hard Core Truth

"I like long walks--especially when they're taken by people who annoy me." - name withheld

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)

~~~~~~~

from the October 2004 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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