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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

In the Streets of New York

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd--- no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Ezlizbeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. So maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor dying man. "

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solem voice :

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

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Subject Subjective

It is reported that several men of various nationalities were engaged in writing books on the elephant.

A German put out a three-volume tome replete with footnotes, entitled ‘A Short Introduction to the Study of the Elephant.’

A Frenchman put out a thin and graceful book entitled ‘The Elephant and His Love Life.’

An Englishman put out a heavily illustrated travel guide, entitled ‘Hunting Elephant in Deepest Africa.’

An American put out an advertising brochure, ‘How to Raise Elephants in Your Backyard for Fun and Profit.’

And a Jew published a fiery pamphlet entitled ‘The Elephant And Anti-Semitism.’

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I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see;
It plane lea marks four my revue
Miss steaks I can knot sea.

I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please too no,
It's letter perfect in it's weight,
My checker tolled me sew.

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From the Mouth of Babes

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es".

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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised.

"Mine says I'm four"

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A man tells his psychologist, "I am under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me."

The psychologist says, "Tell me about your problem."

The guy looks at him and yells, "I just did, YOU OVERPAID IDIOT!"

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Words to Lump it by

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones

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Mothers Know

Bella was terribly upset. Her fiancé, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.

She said to her mother, "I’m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex."

Her mother shrugged and said, "Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s perfectly fine. Just look how much he loves his mother."

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Words to Lose By

Just remember, trying is the first step to failure!

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Jews and Lightbulbs

Q: How many Orthodox rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many Conservative rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Some members of the Committee on Law & Standards say it takes a minyan, except what makes a minyan nobody can agree on. Some say the minyan can be made up of men and women, some say only men, some say men OR women. There was no majority, so the issue remains subject to the decision of the synagogue leader.

Q: How many Reform rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

Q: How many Hasidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?

Q: How many Reconstructionist Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a Reconstructionist Jew?

Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the rabbi leading the process is sufficiently skilled in channeling spiritual energy, the light bulb will be relit by itself. However, the bulb must be an eco-kosher bulb that is not going to be lit from nuclear powered electricity and have been made from a company that was in any way responsible for the poisoning of the Hudson River. And during the paradigm shift between the changing of the bulb, one must document the experience for the up and coming book called "The Jew in the Light Bulb."

Q: How many Shlomo Carlebach Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gevaldt, the light just went out, it must be a heavenly sign from Above that we all really need to get much closer this time, sing a good niggun or two, mamash open our hearts to this gevaldt Ishbitz torah, tell a Baal Shem Tov story and then later maybe somebody from the Chevreh can change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

Q: How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it never died.

Q: How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, because there will never be another one that will burn as brightly as the first.

Q: How many Kabbalah Center Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it would take to raise the $5000 bulb that was carefully selected by "Rabbi" Philip Berg based on its inherent ability to drawn down the Supernal Light into a Vessel astrologically appropriate for that particular Center as well as financially appropriate for their account.

Q: How many congregants in any one synagogue does it take to change a bulb?
A: CHANGE! You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother is the one who donated that light bulb!

Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50. One to change the bulb, 13 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb, and 36 to live elsewhere, start their own community, act mentshlich and not mention the previous bulb.

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Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)




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