Jewish Humor and Joke Page

    April Passover 2005 Edition            
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Moving Up With Sadie and Abe

Sadie had moved to the suburbs now, and she and Abey had joined the new very elite Country Club there. Abey was somewhat embarrassed by Sadie when they would dine there, and one evening before they went out for dinner at the club, Abey decided to give his wife a bit of advice.

"Sadie" he said, "ven ve go to dee club, and dee vaiter asks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink.....please don't say `ah glass Manishevitz vine.' At a club like dis, you don't ask for Manishevitz vine."

"No, Abey," she replied ..... "not Manishevitz .....vot should I esk for ?"

Abey answered, "You should esk for ah Martini....... Everybody drinks Martini's now .... You don't esk for Manishevitz. ....Please Sadie, say you vahnt ah Martini..... You'll like it. Okay ?"

With that, Sadie agreed that she would no longer ask for Manishevitz wine, and the next time it would be Martini's for Sadie. That evening at the club, when the waiter approached their table to take their order for drinks, Sadie was well prepared. The meticulously attired waiter asked, "Ma'am, may I bring you a cocktail ?"

Sadie was ready and proudly announced, "Yes, I'll have ah Martini."

"Dry ?" questioned the waiter.

"No," replied Sadie "tzvay iz gay-nuug."


(Oy ! If I have to explain this one, it loses all it's flavor, but I'll explain it anyhow. In Yiddish `drei' - pronounced like the word `dry,' means three. `Tzvay iz gay-nuug' means two is enough.)

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Peace in the Home is a Product of Effort

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.

If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

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I Think I Know the Fellow. . .

A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."

The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

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I Can Believe This Too . .

Tax Day, April 15, was looming when an elderly lady appeared at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.

"Why so many?" I asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick them up."

"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure the troops have the forms they need."

"I know," she replied. "I'm the base commander's mother."

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I Also Noticed the Relation. . .

I don't understand why using the bathroom makes the telephone ring.

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Try These for Free

I don't know about you, but I find those Out-Of-The-Office eMail Auto-Replies so ordinary and tedious. Here are some alternatives.

.... Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

... Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. Your message is valuable to me.

..... In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert SOB Boss's home phone number here).

.... The my email server is unable to deliver your message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

... Please reply to this email so I will know that you got this message saying I am not here.

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Hard Work

God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth!"

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."

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Wisdom From Grandpa

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

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For Observant Jews

Fans have noticed that Britney Spears' new Kabbalah-inspired Hebrew tattoo actually has the letters reversed, making it meaningless, proof once again of how hard it is to find a tattoo artist who graduated from a decent Hebrew School.

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Lets Get it Straight

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish man who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son Morris to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it was a great school and completely secular.

After a month, the boy came home and said casually, "By the way, Dad, I learned what Trinity means! It means 'The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'"

The father could barely control his rage. He seized his son by the shoulders and declared, "Morris, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. Forget this Trinity business. There is only one God... and we don't believe in him!"

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from the April Passover 2005 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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