Humor in a Jewish Vein

    April 1998 Passover Edition            
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Jewish Humor

with thanks to Chanoch Bleier and Bruce Brodersen

A Jewish girl gets engaged to a Cherokee indian boy and takes him home to meet her parents. Later, the indian boy goes home to see his parents. They ask him how he was treated at the Jewish girls house and he replies: "They really liked me. In fact, they have already given me a Jewish name....Sitting Shivah"

The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mideast OTHER than Israel."

No answer.

A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again.

We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel."

No answer from anyone.

A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel.

Still no answer from anyone. Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Mid-East, INCLUDING Israel.

Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit:

"This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help."

"G-d bless you," said the Syrian pilot, "What should we do?"

Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me:

"Yisgadal, v'yiskadash" (Prayer for the Dead)

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.

His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval. Go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."

Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.)

Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight. Thewings broke off again.

Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his synagouge to pray and to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The Rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.

After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the Rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."

Bernie just smiled and thanked the Rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the Rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the Rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!

Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the synagouge to tell the Rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."

"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"

"Bernie," the Rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzoh broken on the perforation!"

Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and the head angel comes up and says, "I know you were somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait your turn.

Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks. She also notices that every now and then, different clocks jump 15 minutes ahead of time.

When the head angel returns, Hillary says, "What's with all the clocks?"

The head angel replies, "Well, each clock represents a man back on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?"

"Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed adultry," answers the head angel

"Which one is my husband's clock?" inquires Hillary.

"G-d has that one in his office," answers the head angel. "He uses it as a fan."

A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed--also praying in Hebrew. The man thinks to himself "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh--I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...HAMOTZI ADAM MIN HA'ARETZ." (blessing before eating a man)

G-d, having decided to destroy the word, revealed His intention to three world leaders: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bibi Netanyahu. Boris Yeltsin, in an address to the Russian people, said: "I have bad news, and more bad news. First of all, in contrast to what we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared to me and spoke to me.Secondly, He intends to destroy the world."

At the same time, in an address to the American people, Bill Clinton said: "There's good news and bad news. First of all, as we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared to me and spoke to me. The bad news is that He intends to destroy the world."

At the same time, in an address to the Israeli people, Bibi Netanyahu said: "There's good news and more good news. First of all, as we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared to me and spoke to me. Furthermore, based on what He said to me, I can assure you that a Palestinian state will not be established."

Menachem needs his tallis dry-cleaned. He sends it to the best dry-cleaner in town, Ho Chi Wung Cleaners. They tell him to come back in a week. When he comes back, they give him the bill, which says $25.00.

"Twenty-five dolars?!" Menachem reads, astonished.

"No, no, no!" replies the dry-cleaner. "One dollar to clean the tallit, twenty-four dollars to take out all those knots!"


from the April 1998 Passover Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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