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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOM WHEN...

* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care.

* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

* You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

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Mother's Day Special

MOM TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!"

MOM TAUGHT ME RELIGION
    "You better pray that will come out of that carpet!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL
    "If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into next week!"

MOM TAUGHT ME LOGIC
    "Because I said so, that's why!"

MOM TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

MOM TAUGHT ME IRONY
    "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM
    "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER
    "It looks like a tornado went through your room!"

MOM TAUGHT ME HOW TO SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS
    "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
    "Stop acting like your father!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT ENVY
    "There are millions of less fortunate kids in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

And most of all.....
MOM TAUGHT ME THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
    "I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"

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More on Jewish Mothers

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary daughters. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Shirley ," said Mrs. Blum with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Marilyn does for me," declared Mrs. Pollack proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Siegel sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Sherry does.....Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, rain or shine, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour ,,,,, just to talk about me!"

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Never Mess with a Golfer

The other day a man came home and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.

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Quickie

What do people in China call their good plates?

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Almost Success

This older musician had moderate success in his field, but he was a wonderful music teacher. One day he had an inspiration and decided he could teach white mice to play classical music.

He assembled 16 mice and hand fashioned various instruments for each mouse. He worked hard teaching the mice to play the 1812 Overture. After three years he was ready to expose his symphony orchestra to the world.

He was granted an appointment with a famous talent agency, and appeared at the conference room of the Madison Avenue agency. The mice assembled, picked up their little instruments, and proceeded to play the best 1812 Overture ever heard.

The conductor white mouse took three bows, as did the 1st violinist. The man seeing his life's greatest achievement turned to the head of the talent agency, and said , " What do you think of my orchestra sir ?"

The agency boss said, " They are the greatest act I've ever seen. You are to be congratulated, but I can't book them and that's final."

The man , with his heart broken asked, " But why can't you book them ?"

The agency boss said in a whisper...." Because the lead violinist looks Jewish ! "

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Overhead in Court

A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payes, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick...get me a translator."

Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"

The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."

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A Jewish mother's answering machine:

If you want lox and eggs, press 1;

If you want knishes press 2;

If you want chicken soup, press 3;

If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;

If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since NOBODY ever asks me how I am feeling. Who knows? I could even be dead by now.

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Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock! on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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Hmmm?

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate... so I when out and got myself two more girlfriends.

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