Jewish Humor and Joke Page



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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

FAQ's on Pregnancy

Here are a few answers to commonly asked pregnancy questions.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

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She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

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If They Had a Jewish Mother (two did!)

"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."

"Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"

"All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"

"Again with the top hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"

"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man; midnight is long past your bed-time!"

"But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with your hair?"

"That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!"

"At least she was a nice Jewish girl!"

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Man's Very Best Friend

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. His best friend happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Ben, "says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?" I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! HE is!"

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Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord,if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

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So That's Where They Get the Skullcaps from

After the passing of Pope John Paul II, the Cardinals had the duty to go through the late Pope's personal effects.

One of the Cardinals noted that there had once been an inscription on the inside of the Pope's white skull cap. The inscription was obviously very old and much obscured from wear and the passage of time.

Curious, the Cardinals sent the skull cap for study at the Vatican's antiquities department. Experts applied themselves to the task utilizing the latest in computer technology and encryption analysis.

They found that the inscription was in the Polish language and after much work, they cracked the code and translated the text.

The results were handed to the perplexed Cardinal who read:

Benny & Malka's Wedding October 19, 1935 Krakow, Poland

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"A mother understands what a child does not say."
"Commit a sin twice and it will not seem a crime."

"G-d created one world full of small worlds."
"Don't look for more honor than your life merits."

"Worries go down better with soup than without."

"The sun will set today without your assistance."

"Do not speak of secrets in a field that is full of little hills."

"The longer a blind man lives, the more he sees."

"A coin in an empty barrel, makes a lot of noise."

"Do not be wise in words - be wise in deeds."
" Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a fool from any side."
"If G-d lived on earth, people would break his windows."

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* If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?

* Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

* Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.

* Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

* Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

* The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single "oy."

* There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

* Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?

* Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

* Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

* Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

* The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

"From Zen Judaism: For You a Little Enlightenment by David M. Bader (Harmony Books) 2002"

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Know What is Above You

The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a tasty dessert afterward. Then, after dinner and dessert, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The *!#*#%&*!!ing funeral director."

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CENSOR - Not For Everyone, Please

On their wedding night, Shirley the young bride approached her new husband Morris and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, Shirley was surprised to find her husband Morris in a very depressed state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his Shirley handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $ 3 million, Morris was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business !"

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