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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Stopping Gossip with Gossip

Malka, the shul gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the shul's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Moshe, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only drinking establishment one afternoon.

She emphatically told Moshe and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Moshe, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Moshe quietly parked his pickup in front of Malka's house.......

...... and left it there all night.

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My Brother's ....

When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered...so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.

The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!"

- to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"

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Let Thy Lips Speak Only Truth

The young couple invited their elderly Rabbi for Shabbos dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the Rabbi asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied. "

Goat?" replied the startled rabbi, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

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The Classic Jewish Dog Joke

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog, has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So tell me about the dogand the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'".

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The Origin of "Kiss My ---"?

It was in the great market in ancient Rome that Marcus Brutus Goldstein, a poor tailor, made Togas and sold them at his stall in the marketplace.

As was his wont, he shouted out his wares for sale, "Togas! - Finest Togas in all Rome!" he would shout, but alas, business was not good.

Finally, a friend suggested that since the weather was getting rather cold, he could increase business by lining the garments with a fine quality wool lining.

Marcus agreed and proceeded to line his Togas using the finest quality Kashmir lining.

And so, from that day forward, he could be heard

loudly and proudly proclaiming throughout the market place, "Kashmir in togas!"

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Authorities Overwhelmed

In an effort to overcome the continuing criticism that he is unsupportive and in fact dismissive of Israel, one of America's closest allies, today President Bush announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people.

Authorities have been unable to handle the millions of applicants who volunteered to be the moyel.

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Its True, I Married Her!

An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold and diamond Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

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Top Ten Ways You Know You are a reliable Jewish Psychic

10. You hear the term "kosher style" and you immediately know it means you'll be eating treif

9. You know that any pretty single jewish girl who visits the uws will at some point be stalked by some weird bald guy

8 You are pretty confident that at somepoint in reading this list you will say to yourself "gee these top ten lists really suck"

7 Right after it starts to rain, you always have a comforting feeling that there's some tzedakah scam artist at the kotel getting drenched

6 When you meet someone Reform, you already know that their kids one day will be incredibly well behaved, to please Santa

5 When you get an image of a pair of incredibly small expensive glasses, you already know this situation has something to do with Crown Heights, Brooklyn.

4 Hearing the word "Ebbs" in a head, means you are involved with something that is saving the Jewish youth of America, or at least making them cry at some sad Holocaust story

3 If you meet someone who says they work at a Jewish Non-Profit you already know they have an incredble gift for designing brochures

2 Seeing the Gabbai in your dreams, means you have a choice in life to either be ignored or do serious some butt kissing

1 When the invitation says the chupah starts at 4pm, you get there right on time, at 7:30pm

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Modern Jewish Proverbs

"Truth is the safest lie."

"Just as courage imperils life, fear protects it."

"He who puts up with insult invites injury."

"God could not be everywhere, and therefore he created mothers."

"People come to poverty in two ways: accumulating debts and paying them off."

"Ask about your neighbors, before you buy the house."

"Look for the good, not the evil, in the conduct of members of your family."

"Never trust the person who tells you all his troubles but keeps from you all his joys."

"Don't be too sweet lest you be eaten up; don't be too bitter lest you be spewed out."

"With money in your pocket you are wise, you are handsome, and you sing well too."

"The innkeeper loves a drunkard, but not for a son-in-law."

"A half-truth is a whole lie."

"If the rich could hire someone else to die for them, the poor would make a wonderful living."

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No Joke

If you got to here, it is obvious that you like jokes. So you must have a favorite one. How's 'bout sending it to us and sharing it with someone else. It is a big mitzvah to bring a smile to someone else, even if it is only for a moment.

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