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A wealthy businessman wanted the most lavish, unique, memorable bar mitzvah for his son that money could buy. He'd already been to the Cohen's safari bar mitzvah (see previous joke) and realized there was little in this world that hadn't already been done. So he called NASA and arranged to have the space shuttle take the rabbi, his entire family, friends and business associates to the moon. Naturally, this was an affair the press wanted to cover. Reporters were rabidly waiting at the landing site for firsthand accounts from attendees. The first person off the shuttle was the grandmother.

"How was the service?" one reporter asked.

Grandma answered, "OK."

Another reported wanted to know, "How was the bar mitzvah boy's speech?"

"OK."

Someone else asked, "How was the food?"

"OK."

Finally, a reporter says, "Everything was just OK? You don't seem very impressed. Was there a problem?"

Grandma shrugs her shoulders and says, "Personally, I didn't like the atmosphere."

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A Gabbai approaches a guest in the Shul and says "I want to give you an Aliyah." "What is your name?"

The man answers, "Ester bas Moshe." [Ed. Note: “bas” means daughter of”]

The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name."

The man says, "It is Ester bas Moshe."

The Gabbai asks, "How can that be your name?"

The man answers "I've been having serious financial problems, so everything is in my wife's name."

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On the Lower East Side there was a street with four tailor shops.

The first was George's Tailor Shop. The sign read: The best tailor in the area!

The second was Edward's Tailor Shop. The sign read: The best tailor in New York!

The third was Johnson's Tailor Shop. The sign read: The best tailor in the United States!

The fourth shop was opened by Yitzak Cohen. On his sign? Cohen's - best tailors on the block!

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One Saturday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for shul, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not ?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to shul.

One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the Rabbi.

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Q. What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?

A. You never write, you never call, you only come to see me when you need money.

Q. What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?

A. Who catered it?

Q. What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?

A. Gefiltered

Jewish mother's answering machine message:

If you want to come over to eat, press 1;

If you want to come over to sponge, press 2;

If you want to come over to kvetch, press 3;

If your television broke down and you want to come over to see the game, press 4;

If you want to know how I am, you are calling the wrong number.

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Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. “I fell that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?”

Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, “Yes.”

“Who is it?”

In a little stronger tone, the patient said, “Another doctor.”

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A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions.

"Do you love her?"

The old man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Jewish woman?"

"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the rabbi.

"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" the rabbi asked.

"She can drive at night," the old man said

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Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

As usual, if you don't forward this to 10 of your friends within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

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Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

A: Filet Minyan

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Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers?

It's called On & On Anon.

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